Please Help Me Doctor, My tits Are Too Heavy

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What does Wanking mean?
Like masturbation, only dirtier. Mainly performed by:
Men of any age fantasizing about having sex (usually) with someone famous or someone who wouldn't have real sex with them in a million years.
Become active while watching wanking videos.
A perfectly normal act ensuring your mother has to look at weird stains on your underwear and sheets.
Frequently visiting websites like iWank TV.
An act usually performed whilst lying on a single bed with your eyes tight shut.
Spending too much time on wanktube pages.
Something you do when bored.
An act that makes you believe you're the best lover in the world....or you will be when you start having sex for real.
Something every male does, but no-one admits to it.
An act that usually ends with the participant saying, 'YES!' or 'EWWW!' depending on the angle of the penis.
What you're doing right now as you read these definitions of wanking...

Other phrases to avoid the word wank: Buffing the Banana, Holding Your Sausage Hostage, Jackin' the Beanstalk, Rounding up the Tadpoles, Slap Boxing the One-Eyed Champ, Spank the Frank, Applying the hand brake, Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior, Auditioning the finger puppets, Beef-stroke-it-off, Boxing the bald champ, Charming the snake, Checking for testicular cancer, Choking Kojak, Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie, Straddle your paddle, Taking matters into your own hands, Teasing the weasel, Thumping the pump, Tickling the pickle

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